Ronald Reagan loved jelly beans like pre-vegan Bill Clinton loved jalapeño cheeseburgers and FDR loved acronyms. And the 4oth president’s fondness for the bite-sized sugar capsules rubbed off on the American public. As TIME reported in 1981: “Now, with Ronald Reagan in the White House, they seem fated to achieve the luster that the praline of sugar and nuts enjoyed in the court of France’s Louis XIV.”
The type most esteemed by the President is brand-named Jelly Belly, which—addicts vow—is to the ordinary jelly bean what foie gras is to liverwurst. About one-fourth the size of the Easter-basket staple and three times as expensive (up to $4 per lb.), Bellys come in an array of 36 flavors. Their manufacturer, Herman Goelitz Co. of Oakland, maintains that the flavors are so delicate that the beans should be eaten one at a time, not by the vulgar handful. How else to appreciate the richness of the coffee mocha, the tang of the piña colada, the bouquet of the strawberry daiquiri?
Goelitz began supplying Reagan when he was governor of California, during which time he and his visitors plowed through two dozen 1-lb bags monthly, amounting to approximately 10,200 beans. As president, Reagan placed a standing order of 720 bags per month (306,070 beans), to be distributed among the White House, Capitol Hill and other federal buildings.
That's a ton of jelly beans, brother! From time to time, I've been known to toss a few jelly beans to the back of my throat. I'd say I'm a two-weekend-a-year jelly bean guy. Give me a small box on Easter and another small one on Halloween. Anything more than that is simply too much jelly bean. When I was little, Id take the bigger, generic version of jelly beans and eat the outer shell off. I'd peel the thick, purple coating off with my teeth like I was a beaver and my bark was a candy-coated shell. I'd gnaw on them bad boys until my fingers were stained with processed sugars and then I'd gnaw some more- often to the point of off-colored diarrhea. It was fuckin wild. Dark orange soured water.
That's why I know Reagan was an oral fixation guy who always needed something in his mouth. Nothin wrong with that AT ALL but the guy just needed to chew on something. Why? Probably because he was a smoker for so long. He was just sitting around on the Hollywood lot waiting for his next scene and bored out of his gourd because nobody even had iPhones or anything yet. Can you believe that? Wild. So, he'd pick up a lung dart, suck it down, and go lookin for the throat goat Nancy Reagan to take his bean down to her belly. Incredible. Honestly, he probably loved getting that thing sucked on so much whilst eating jelly bellies that he unknowingly created a jelly bean-blow job pavlovian response in his own brain. Anytime he was eating root beer jelly beans, he thought of her. Enjoying a tangerine jelly belly? Her. Liking the plum jelly belly? her. Liking the popcorn jelly belly? her. Everything reminded him of being down her throat to the point that she probably had a bruised palate. That's a problem for heavy dick suckers. Any dentist worth their salt will tell you that.
Can't blame Ronnie. We all love our little pleasures in life especially when we are trying to give a vice up like smoking. That shit can be tough, my guys. So, if you see someone with a bink's truck full of jelly beans, mind your own business. It means that someone has either stopped smoking recently and is probably ornery or someone is super horny and looking to get their dick sucked. Either way, that's a situation you wanna steer clear of. Trust me on that. Do not approach someone who is super horny and simply offer them jelly bellies. For most, that simply will not be enough. It wasn't for my late Uncle Rick. He purchased some jelly beans from a casual passerby, sat down to start eating them in peace, and the next thing ya know, he started jerking off right there in the Flyin J truck stop parking lot. Now he's on a list. Sickening stuff.
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